Xian: Letter 1

Dearest Xian

I know it's been tough on you ever since you stepped in Primary 1. And I know it grew worse when the years plodded along.

I'm aware of your reluctance to get out of bed every morning during school days and the dread you face when you return home.

Let me reassure you that you're not alone in this journey for I'm here with you every step of the way. Don't you think it hurts me to watch you belittle yourself? It's heartbreaking for me that you're just a mere shadow of your former self. You've lost the bright sparkle in your eyes and in place I see the self-doubt and disillusionment.

I wish the others can see you the way I do: a beautiful, compassionate girl with a big heart.

Of course I'd be lying if I said that I'm completely satisfied with your school grades. I know you're putting in effort, and being dyslexic doesn't make studying any easier. So what if you've got a learning disability? There's nothing to be ashamed of as many great world leaders and famous people are dyslexic. I'm quite sure they also struggled when they were young, and unkind words were often said to them too.

Don't be discouraged. Your time to shine will come, perhaps later rather than sooner. But that shouldn't stop you from believing in yourself.

And please don't think that your father doesn't love you because that's the furthest from the truth. It's difficult for him to express himself as that's the way he is. When he raises his voice and utters those cutting words, he does it because he wants you to "wake up" and prove him wrong. Don't blame him. I know it hurts because I'm equally affected, but he's doing what he truly believes is for your own good.

He worries for you and fears that you'll be ridiculed and taken advantage of, and he's trying to "toughen" you up so that you'll be able to take care of yourself when we're not able to do so in future. So please don't think any less of your father because he loves you dearly, much more than you can ever imagine.

There's so much I want to share with you, and now I realised I should have started writing to you much earlier. But I don't want to overwhelm you with too much now. I also want to tell you that I cherished our heart-to-heart talk today, and I hope you've understood why things happen the way they did.

You'll realise by now that I am very different from the rest of the family, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. What I do know is that this is how I am, and I'm not going to change just because some people may disapprove of my way of handling situations. To me, my children take priority over everything, and I will fight for you and your sisters all the way.

But this will do, for now. Remember that we love you very, very much. And NEVER give up.

With love always
Mummy